Sunday, March 4, 2012

Let's be honest....

I aim to make this a fitness blog that doesn't take itself too seriously and is more of a conversation, less of a reference guide.  Sure, I want to share info and push you to think about fitness differently, but I also want to be honest and share feelings and struggles so we can get through them together.  I never want to be disingenuous in my blogging and I think that's what makes the blog a fun place to be.  My voice, your voice, a conversation.

So with all that being said, I need to be honest with you guys.  I'm struggling a bit right now.  Like the name of the blog suggests, I'm not perfect.  And though I've kicked the ass of the eating disorder that I struggled with for so long, I still have my bad days.  Right now, I'm having one of them.  I feel like a bit of a stranger in my own body and I don't like the feeling.  Some days, weeks, months, I eat really well without giving it a second thought, bounce out of bed to run to the gym, and love every second of it.  This is not one of those times.

Everyone has days they feel like this.
I'm having one now.
When presented with healthy and unhealthy food options, I'm choosing the unhealthier ones more often than not.  I can say to myself before making this choice, "Hey, choose the healthier thing.  It may not be the party in your mouth that the grilled cheese sandwich is, but ultimately it's going to give you more peace of mind and fuel for your body than the texas toast and 3 kinds of cheese are."  And yet, I still choose the comforting flavor fiesta instead of what my rational mind KNOWS will make me feel better.  It doesn't make me a horrible person, it makes me human, but it also makes me feel a bit powerless.

One of the turning points in my recovery was when my doctor told me that my eating disorder was not THE issue, the eating disorder was A symptom.  When you're in the bathroom throwing up your food multiple times a day this sounds like, pardon my french, a crock of shit.  It took me a few years to figure it out but the day I finally understood what my doctor was talking about was a day I felt like the universe literally got in my face and shouted "EUREKA!"  It changed my life.

What does that have to do with what I'm feeling right now?  It means I need to dig deeper than just "I'm having a fat day," and figure out what's bothering me.  There is something going on inside that is bigger than "stop eating Cadbury mini eggs."  I'm unhappy or worried about something that I haven't addressed.  Maybe because I can't identify it yet, maybe because I don't want to, but knowing that I need to figure out the issue is what separates "recovered me" from "eating disordered me."

This post may be a bit Debbie Downer-ish, but I thought it was an important one to share.

I'd rather be honest than perfect.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's all about how you let yourself feel things. Sometimes, you need to be able to feel and think the craziest things without comment. Just feel it. Sit with it. Contemplate it. And then let it go as part of the human experience. When we comment, we add an unnecessary judgement that often times doesn't allow us to properly move through the experience. You're on the right track. A bad day is just that. Allow yourself to have it, ponder it a little bit and move on. Let it go. The next day may be totally different and good for just as many random reasons. You never stop to worry about good days. No use to do it with bad ones.