Thursday, June 21, 2012

Let's be honest....

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I've been struggling this week with my own motivation to work out.  I've been eating ok, but I have been feeling rather uncomfortable in my own skin and frustrated with myself for getting in my own way and, in some twisted way, intentionally sabotaging my own happiness.

Just having a sad panda kind of day.
Everything in my life is going pretty great at the moment: I just started a new job & I really enjoy it, I just made it "official" with my boyfriend, it's is good.  But with all of this good comes a lot of change and change causes me anxiety.  As I've talked about before , this kind of anxiety manifests itself to me a via food and exercise obsession.  I am having trouble letting myself simply sit with that anxiety and instead I am taking it on myself by not exercising and focusing my energy on how "lazy" and "fat" I am.

I was thinking about all of this tonight when I came across this article in my favorite British tabloid: The Daily Mail.  In short, a judge ruled that a hospital must force feed an anorexic woman, aged 30, who was in danger of dying, despite both the girl AND her parents saying it is the girl's choice whether she lives or dies.  I really don't know where I stand on this issue.

When I was in the worst of my disorder I knew that if I did not do something to pull myself out of the misery that was my day to day existence that there was a good chance I'd end up another statistic of the disease.  (Eating disorders are the most fatal of all psychological diseases with the most common cause of death being from suicide.)  I was fortunate enough to be able to cling to some sliver of hope and decided on my own to get the help that I needed.  But that was the key: *I* decided.  No one forced me.

Can help be effective when it is forced and not willingly entered into by the sufferer?  I tend to not think so.  When my best friend confronted me about my issues and told me I needed to get help, I got a lot worse.  It wasn't until *I* made the decision to get help that I actually got better.  So what does forced treatment for this girl do?  Keeps her physically alive, yes.  But what good is being physically alive if you hate every second of it?  So what's the alternative?  Let her kill herself?  That doesn't seem like a good option either.  What's the happy medium?

Living in recovery from an eating disorder is like asking an alcoholic to move into a bar.  You still have to deal with you triggering substance every day of your life.  I'm not saying I have the answer to this problem. But when I see articles like these and I know most readers are probably thinking how obvious a solution seems to them, I feel like I must speak up, as someone who can see the situation from both perspectives.

Just some food for thought.

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