Mom was wrong: peer pressure makes us better people!

One my mom's favorite phrases as a teenager was the oh so annoying, "If *friend I told her was cooler than me* jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?"  Of course, at the time, my smart ass answer was "Yeah, if it looked like a good time!"  But fortunately I did not have a lot of friends that were in the habit of jumping off of bridges.

Oh I do so love a good pun!

However, according to according to this article , peer pressure is not always a bad thing.  The gist of it is this: the 5 people in your life you spend the most time with directly affect your level of success.  You are the "average" of their level of success.  So, want to be more successful?  Spend more time around more successful people!

I thought about this and realized this doesn't have to be limited to just your success at work, it's totally true for your health/fitness success as well.  In college, I lived with a roommate for 4 years who was a cross country runner in high school.  During that time, I ran my first half marathon.  Prior to that the most I had ever run was probably 4 miles.  But because of the time I spent with her, and the fact that we loved to obnoxiously challenge each other to see who was "tougher", I became a long distance runner.  (OK so our drinking contests were the negative version of this but hey, nobody's perfect.)

So if you want to increase your chances of fitness success, spend time with your friends who like to go hiking on a Sunday morning instead of doing sake bombs on a Saturday night.  Go out to lunch with your coworker who always has her fridge stocked with fruit instead of a candy jar on her desk.  Become BFF's with your trainer, make a skin coat out of them, and assume their identity.

OK just kidding about that last one.

Parents just don't understand.

I recently came across another article in that favorite tabloid of mine, The Daily Mail.  This one was written by a mother who was a former bulimic and how she approaches weight issues with her children. You can read it here.  Basically, the woman's 10 year old son complained that he had a belly and mom agreed with him.  While I think it is important for parents to be realistic with their children, I also think that there are ways to talk to kids that emphasize health and not weight.  This is not one of those ways.

Will Smith, circa 1988, made a good point.

My own parents were great examples for me to grow up with; I cannot recall one time during my childhood that I ever heard my mom express any dissatisfaction with her body, and my dad was a super athlete who worked out every day.  However when I "came out" about my eating disorder they made some of their own cringe-worthy comments that sometimes surprised me. Fortunately I was at a point in my recovery that I was able to see the comments for what they were: confusion about how to deal with this a situation they were unprepared for.


But the aforementioned article & my own parents reminded me of an important lesson that we often forget:  parents are not perfect.


Yes, I can judge this woman for what she says to her son, but I also understand that she is coming from a place of love, even if I feel that the execution is wrong.  As much as therapists want us to blame our parents, I think that if you can remove yourself from a conversation in which your parents made a misstep, you can (usually) find that the comment is coming from a good place.


BUT, just because it's coming from a place of love doesn't make it ok.  If your mom or dad is consistently making comments that bother you, don't just assume that if you roll your eyes or indulge them with a "ha ha" that they'll understand the effect their words are having on you.  Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and say "Hey, that really hurts my feelings."  9 times out of 10 your next of kin will probably be shocked to hear this and will instantly knock it off.  But you must remember that family (and friends) are not mind readers.  From time to time you will have to help them help you feel good about yourself.

I think it's important for us as adults to make this distinction and stand up for ourselves.  We are no longer the defenseless kids who would be grounded for talking back to our parents.  If someone makes a joke about you going back for a second slice of cake/being single/laying around in your PJ's watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade instead of going for run, it's important for your own self awareness and acceptance to let them know if it makes you feel bad.

In the words of Jerry Maguire, help them help you.

Preach on, Kelly Clarkson

A friend of a friend of mine recently made the very difficult decision to go to rehab for help with a problem he's been having.  Though all of my eating disorder treatment was outpatient, I know how hard this decision is to make and I admire and applaud him for his strength.  Talking to my friend about it has caused me to reflect on my own treatment experience and how true the old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," really is AND how helpful that phrase can be when you really USE it to help you get through a challenge, be that a fitness one or life in general.

See?  There's always a bright side.

Though it sucked, my experience with my ED is probably one of the best experiences I've ever been through.  Yes, I said that an illness that was causing me to make myself throw up 6 times a day, go to the gym for 4 hours at a time, and skip friends birthday parties because I was "afraid" I'd have to eat is one of the BEST experiences I've gone through.  I learned more about myself from it than any other single event I've gone through in life, and it has made me into the relatively self aware person that I am today.  I mean, hell, my boyfriend told me (with a straight face) this weekend that one of his favorite things about me is how rational I am.  I know that this is largely because of how all of my treatment throughout the ED taught me how to think.

When you're going through something that is so overwhelming you want to crawl into bed for a week, it's very easy to do just that.  What isn't easy is looking at the situation and going, "Wow.  This is HARD.  How do I get through this hardness?"  Sure, you can stay focused on the crappy events at hand and wallow in your misery, but what does that accomplish?  The most valuable thing that my treatment ever taught me, the thing that literally defines the aforementioned cliche is to look at a shitty situation and ask, "What can I learn from this?"

If I related every lesson that the ED taught me I'd be here for a week, but asking that question may be what saved my life.  It allowed me both to acknowledge all the bad feelings I was having (something that the ED never did since instead of feeling the feelings I would just stuff myself full of food and throw it up instead) AND forced me to say to myself, "Ok self, you're going through this and it sucks, but what can you learn from it to make it slightly more bearable?"  That latter option is what really made me turn the corner in recovery.

Sing it, sister.

Whether you're dealing with a workout slump or a boyfriend who cheated on you, finding the silver lining will make it that much easier to get through the rain.  Haven't been to the gym in a month?  Maybe your brain is trying to tell you you're bored with your routine and need to shake it up.  Boyfriend slept with some floozy?  That gut feeling you've been ignoring about him is probably right and in the future you should trust yourself more.  See what I mean?  Suddenly the situation isn't so overwhelming and is downright interesting!

Ok, so it may take some time to get to feeling THAT positive about hard situations, but I promise, much like your muscles, if you continue to train your brain to think this way it will become stronger & more fit just like your body does after regular time in the gym.  Give it a try!

Future You

For today's inspiration I look to my roommate, aka my pseudo lifecoach.  (You can have your own direct access to her advice in 140 characters @thejulieeffect .)  We have had many a chat about everything from men to work to families and one of the most wise and universal pieces of advice that Julie has given me is this:

"What's best for future Marna?"

This phrase fell on deaf ears for a long time, or rather a mind that was quick to forget it.  Butwe were having a conversation the other day where this advice was again brought up (probably about something deep like why our DVR wasn't recording Real Housewives of the OC),  and the profoundness of it finally hit me.

Future you.

What will make a better you tomorrow:
This....

What exactly does this mean?  It means making choices that while they might not feel the best right now (not buying the Cadbury mini eggs), it will make life better for the you of tomorrow (no guilty feelings about inhaling the bag of mini eggs in under 5 minutes).  Seems easy when you think about it that way.  So let's apply this to a larger life decision, which is where it will really punch you in the throat.

Say you go on a first date with an awesome guy/girl.  Witty banter, delicious food, sparks are flying, everything's great.  He/She mentions in passing they're not really into the whole "commitment thing" but what do you care?  This is date one.  Well, date one soon turns into date two and then comes month one and month two.  You're really into this person and you think you see a future with them.  But they have mentioned again that they are not looking for a relationship.  You know you SHOULD get out, but you like them so much and think if you just give it "one more week" they'll realize how awesome you are and they'll lock it down.

So you wait.

Another two months go by and there's still no sign of commitment.  Your feelings continue to be hurt when you hear about other dates he/she have gone on, when they fail to call when they say they will, or when the only time they call is around 1am on a Saturday.  When you're together you feel SO good but you spend most of the time you're apart feeling bad about yourself.  Here's where you ask yourself: what's best for future you?

.....or this?

While waking up tomorrow after dumping him/her might suck, think about the you 2 months down the road. This toxic person is out of your life and there's now room in your heart for someone who is funny, sexy, smart, kind, AND wants to be in a relationship with you.

That's choosing future you.

I understand I digressed from the fitness angle of it here, but having emotional health is as important if not more important to your health success.

To wrap this up on a fitness-y note: every morning when my alarm goes off at 6am my first thought is, "Ugh, can't I just skip the gym today?"  Yes, me, who gets up most mornings before work to work out STILL has this battle with myself every day.  But when I think about how I'll feel in 3 hours after my workout is done, I know that future me will feel MUCH better if if I get up and do the damn thing.

So next time you're struggling with a decision big or small, forget about yourself in the immediate moment and focus on the you 2 hours or 2 days from now.  That "you" knows what to do.

Baby steps to the elevator....

Since I live in Hollywood and work in the industry, my thinking is often influenced by the entertainment industry.  (You just have to look at this post and this post to see what I mean.)  So today let's take a look at what one of my favorite movies, What About Bob, can teach you about your fitness goals!

Baby Steps.

I love this magical phrase!  Heck, I live this magical phrase!  We all know "that guy."  That guy who's never run a lap in his life but all of a sudden gets a brilliant idea that in order to motivate himself to be fit he'll sign up for a marathon that runs in a month.   He trains like hell for 3 days and then gives up because he hurt himself or he's feeling lazy and if he can't run that marathon goal he set for himself, then why bother running at all?

"That guy" is an idiot.

OK, idiot is harsh, let's call him misguided, shall we?  The intention is good, the execution is all wrong.  What he should do is break his plan down into baby steps.

I'll give you an example of a friend of mine, we'll call him Matt.  I would always talk to Matt about how great it felt getting up in the morning and working out before I went to work so, inspired by my waxing poetic, Matt decided to try it himself.  The first day, his alarm went off and he was awake but he stayed in bed.  The second day he got up but he complained to me that he was a failure because he only worked out for 10 minutes.  Man, what a loser, right?

WRONG!  This is baby steps at work!!

Instead of beating himself up for only working out for 10 minutes in the morning, I told Matt he should congratulate himself for getting up and working out for 10 minutes more than he did yesterday morning.  Then tomorrow he should challenge himself to get up and work out for 20 minutes.  Before he knew it, he would be getting up and working out for an hour in the morning and the whole process would be a hell of a lot less painful than Matt was already making it for himself.

Stop trying to go from 0 - 60 in a millisecond.  If a Porsche can't do it, what makes you think you should?  Pick one goal for yourself that you are going to do for one day.  That's it.  One day.  Don't think about tomorrow or yesterday, focus on this one day.  When you achieve this goal for this one day, then take stock of how you feel.  Did it make you feel good?  Great!  Try it again tomorrow but just for TOMORROW only.

Stop overwhelming yourself with the big picture and how many minutes on the treadmill it's going to take you to get there.  Yes, you can have an overall bigger goal, but during the process set those mini goals for yourself.  It makes habit changing much more manageable, enjoyable, and likely to stick.

What are you going to do today?

You talkin' to ME?

Do you understand the words
that are coming out of your mouth?

We've all got an inner monologue and I'm pretty sure that everyone's inner voice has the nasty habit of being negative from time to time.  Hey, we're human, it happens.

But so many people have an inner voice that pops up way more often than it should, and it tells them terrible things about their own body.  You ate too much, you ran too little, you are not good enough.  Many of us become so used to hearing these messages that we even start to believe our own negative hype.

Let's put this in perspective.

Think about a negative thought that you may have about your body.  Now, imagine saying that thought, out loud, to your best friend.  Or your sister.  Or your dog.  Like this:

"Hey best friend, if you don't lose 10 pounds, no one will ever love you."

WHOA, hold the heck on, you say.  I would never talk about my best friend like that!  He/She is so awesome, who cares about 10 pounds?!

Exactly.

Why is it ok to tell ourselves these awful things that we would never in a million years say, or even think, about the people in our lives that we love so dearly?  Newsflash: it's not.

Thinking about my eating disorder this way had a huge impact on my recovery.  I first read about this concept in this great book Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer .  She described looking at her eating disorder as an abusive boyfriend named Ed (ED = eating disorder.  Convenient, huh?).  So many strong women like Jenni, and myself, would never take crap from a boyfriend but yet engage in a never ending abusive relationship within their own mind.  If some dude I was dating told me my butt was looking a little big in my pants, his own ass would be cold and alone in bed that night.  But yet, I used to tell myself that, and worse, multiple times a day.

So the next time you're berating yourself for going to happy hour with an old friend after a particularly bad day at work, or ordering dessert at your friend's birthday dinner, think about saying those thoughts out loud to another person.  Then flip your own internal script.

Mama always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Doggone it, people like me!

Though his fashion choices could be deemed questionable, his message is spot on.

You may be asking yourself what in god's name could Stuart Smalley possible have to do with fitness and health.  Though, if you're under 25, you're probably just wondering who in god's name Stuart Smalley IS.  I can answer that question easily, here.  Stuart was an overly positive SNL character notorious for always putting a positive spin on things while being slightly delusional.  So, what does this have to do with you, me, and our own journeys to greater well-being?  I'll tell you.

Stuart always speaks in the affirmative.  This is what makes him both highly annoying and wise beyond his years.  Take that clip for example.  He doesn't say, "I hope I'm going to have a good show today."  Instead he says, "I AM going to have a good show today."  Well big deal, I bet any therapist worth half of their $150/hour fee would be able to tell you this is a good way to talk to yourself.  Yes, but Stuart is much more entertaining of a folk hero than any self indulgent therapist would be so I'm using him as an example.

When setting your health & fitness goals for the week, be more like Stuart.  Instead of saying, "I won't eat any sugar this week," a declaration that is sure to make anyone suicidal, change the wording to, "When I am craving something sweet I'll eat some fruit."  Or, "I won't sleep in and miss the gym this week," becomes, "I'll  go to 3 spin classes with my favorite teacher before Friday."  See how much more pleasant the latter examples in those sentences feel?  Instead of being something you feel a sense of dread about doing (who wants to think about a life without candy?) you give the task a positive spin and think, hey, yeah, I CAN do this.

WWSSD? (What Would Stuart Smalley Do?)